November 12, 2008

• Drifting and Dabbling

       I last left off the day of the elections. I was very excited Tuesday night as I remained close to the TV and watched the votes come in from around the country. I was HAPPY Obama won!!
       Wed. my mood changed and I found myself very outraged. I could not believe the very unchristian reactions of the so called Christians on the election. I was about ready to write a blog and post it both on here and on myspace and rip some people a new asshole. The attitudes were so immature. I am a Republican, but I voted for Obama. That doesn't make me less of a republican, or a Christian. We should not be ridiculed for who we voted for. It's our American right. The attitudes I was seeing protraied, mostly along the Christian alumni I left behind in Missouri, was basically saying that we have lost God's favor because Obama won office. Excuse me?? How hypocritical!! Now I have (Obviously) forgotten much of what I learned in church, but I do remember learning that God is sovereign, and that he has a far greater plan and purpose for ALL things than what we could ever imagine. So my friends can accept that God is sovereign when a republican is in office, but not a democrat? Are they implying that everytime a democrat has been in office God has pulled His favor from America? That is BS! I don't think so. This is one nation under, GOD. I also remembering being taught to honor and obey ALL authority, because God commands us too, and also because one only ends up in an authoritative position by God's power. So what they forgot to teach me was that only met Republican authority? I could get a lot deeper and bitch about a lot more things, but I'm not in the mood to argue. If people want to be that narrow minded they are only hurting themselves. Bottom line, it made me VERY thankful to be living 350 miles away. Attitudes like that make me never want to step foot in a church again.
       Wed ended very good. Tom invited me over to have spaghetti with him and we watched some movies...etc. (*winks*)
       It seems my life is not complicated enough. Because Thursday, I decided to complicate it a little more. After barely talking to Steve in weeks, somehow I ended up at it his house in North Liberty Thursday night. His daughter was away visiting her mother so we had his house to ourselves. The only thing we really did all night was each other. I wasn't going to drive a half hour home in the middle of the night so I stayed with him in his arms all night.
        Friday I felt like crap. Tom calls me every morning before work to talk and tell me good morning and have a good day, etc. I lied to Tom and told him I missed his call because I over slept. I had to go to Wal-Mart before work to buy new clothes, that way it would not be obvious I was still in yesterdays clothes. So that was fun, buying a whole new outfit, new shoes and all. But I have never felt like a worse person. I'm a terrible, terrible person. I am SOO very sorry. What breaks my heart the most is both Tom and Steve ended their relationship with their ex because she cheated on them. And here I am, betraying their trust. Technically, I'm not in a relationship with either one of them, so whats the big deal? Technically, I'm still single. I'm not that kind of person. It makes myself sick to think about it. I messed up big time. I suck at this game of life.
        As if I wasn't beating myself up enough on Friday, I had the worst possible day at work. I wasn't doing anything wrong, but every call I was getting was an impossible customer who had some problem that suddenly became my problem. All I wanted to do was cry. That's been my worst day in 2 and a half months of working there, that is not so bad.
       I got home Friday night and I took a long, hot bubble bath and tried to wash my skankiness away. It wasn't that easy of a fix. I declined Angie's offer to go out, I simply needed some solitude. I sipped on Caption Coke and had a long nights sleep.
       Things always look better in the morning, and by Saturday I decided to get over it and move on. I spent a lot of time thinking about the holidays coming up, and I am so excited! My Aunt teased me for having Christmas music on my myspace so early but I told her last year I was REALLY depressed, and this year I am HAPPY so I am going to enjoy the holidays to the fullest extent this year. My Christmas shopping is over halfway done!
       Sat night Gina had a party at her place, and it was just what the doctor ordered. I made party potatoes (my specialty) and I had fun doing that. Angie picked me up. We all ate and drank a lot at the party, and played a bunch of card and party games. 5 beers later I was feeling footloose and fancy free. We all agreed that we need to start doing more parties and get togethers. We had a lot of them last winter and there were some very memorable times that went down, between our friends. I guess summer is just a busier time of year. Yet another reason why I so love and adore winter.
        Gina really inspired me, and thus I presented myself with my 2nd focus. I need my own space. I want to live on my own. It's been too long. My goal has been to hoard money away for another year to put on a down payment of a small house. That has it's pros and cons. It's pros are the housing market has never had lower interest rates, and any house I would buy would be future equity, I could also have the freedom to remodel and make any decorating changes.
       However, I'm going CRAZY with my Grandma and I'm starting to think of just renting something so that I can have my space NOW. Since all my bills are paid off I CAN afford it. If I rent I don't have to worry about mowing, raking, or shoveling. When something breaks I can just call the land lord instead of waiting on my brothers or someone who can fix it. I love my Grandma, but she drives me crazy. Sometimes when I am home I just sleep all the time or hide in my back bedroom because she has the tv so LOUD. The older she gets the more difficult she is to live with. She made jelly toast a few nights ago. Grandma has never been one to use a plate, or sit down and eat, but this time for whatever reasons, she decided to eat her jelly toast, jelly side down. She had jelly trailed all over the kitchen floor, into the living room carpet, on her rocker, on her shirt and all over her chin and hands. I was so grossed out. It did not clean up very well either and I hate grime. Now the floor is all grimy like some white trailer trash with kids spilling kool-aid everywhere. Sometimes I just don't have the paitentce to deal with Grandma. Sometimes i feel like I am supervising a 12 year old living with Grandma. I also want a cat. That's not asking too much out of life. So that has became a focus for me in the IMMEDIATE future. Something has to change soon. Maybe Feb. or March??
       Sunday morning I wanted to go to church, but I slept in until 9 instead. It felt great. I haven't slept that late since I was unemployed. lol. Sunday afternoon I hung out with Angie, and then Tom invited me over Sunday night after he was done working. We ordered a pizza and watched movies. After having the weekend to contemplate my situation, I realized I really love Tom. Why did it take me betraying him to realize that? I've barley heard from Steve since and really don't care. I know I should not even be with Tom because of all his issues, but I've been involved for the past 6 months. I'm really not intimidated at this point. I feel bad right now because I am isolating myself from people, not wanting to tell them about Tom. I'm not going to tell them why I was stood up on Halloween, and they can do the math eventually that I am back with Tom. (Btw, noone pressed charges against him so he doesn't have to go to court or anything.) whatever will be will be. Tom and I are together EVERY night that he is not working. The nights when I am riding solo I am bored and lonely. I deliver some Avon orders and usually go to bed super early because I'm so bored. All I know is that Tom makes me happier than anything else, Tom understands me deeper than anyone else, and nothing else matters when I am with him. I lose all track of time and worries. I honestly can't say I see myself with him forever, but for right now Tom is what I need in my life. People come and go, every thing has a season and a reason.
         Work is going awesome this week. My silver lining. I am learning will call, basically when people order product to be picked up directly from the warehouse. The person in will call makes sure everything is processed and invoiced and gets the product to the customers as they come to pick it up. It's easy the warehouse guys pick it for you and everything. I won't have to do it often. Just on an occasional Saturday and as a fill in. Also they are giving me a bigger cubical. I'm VERY excited. It was just being used as storage, so my boss said I could have it. I was very happy. My training period is getting close to being up, and I feel I am doing well. Yay! At last I got something right.

  • 9:49 pm
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