Can't sleep. I'm frickin' wired for no reason at all. Ugh! Any suggestions to help???

Oh, it's only mid-night, but still I gotta get up between 5 and 5:30 in the morning. And I have a big day at work tomorrow. I have to go through the records and call every customer who has ordered products with the peanut butter recall in the past 2 years to inform them of the situation. I'm soo not excited. lol.

     I am doing maintenance to my computer today while the rest of the world watches the SuperBowl. I already know the Steelers are going to win. Noone I know is into the games much and I'm out of beer money. I updated my virus protection on my computer and just in the few months I let it go, it already found 65 threats that it cleaned, and now I'm defraging the computer. I'm guessing it's been 6 months since I've done that. I don't want my computer to run slow or go to pot on me.
      I went to church this morning. And yes I did see Tall Boy, but I was too shy to talk to him. I know, I know. Angie already chewed me out. She said if that's really what it takes next week we will go out for beers before church if it will get me to chat with Tall Boy. lol. I did try something suddle though. I have noticed that Tall Boy often frequents church with a bottle of Dr. Pepper in his hand. So this morning I stopped at a gas station on my way to church and picked up a Dr. Pepper that I nursed through out church. I wonder if Tall Boy noticed?? I'm such a stalker. I feel like I'm in the 6th grade again. lol.
      On a serious note, I got a lot out of church today. They talked about money. My favorite subject in the world. They talked about how yes we need money, but it's not what life is or should be all about. That we should center our lives around love and balance them with God, not money. It made me realize how often in my life I get my priorities so out of whack and revolve everything around money. It's my form of self defense when the world gets tough. They also said at church that for the next month they will be doing financial classes on Sunday afternoons. That made me really excited, except I work 2 Sundays in Feb so I will miss half the classes.
       It blows my mind how badly this economy is effecting EVERYONE and how deep this hole keeps going. I was much more optimistic in the fall that things would bounce back. Now I'm thinking it may be a long road to recovery. I was talking to my parents and my Dad is a manager and he said he had to lay 5 people off on Friday, and their shop is left with 7 workers, that was nearly half! I felt really bad for my Dad. I can't imagine how hard that would be letting people go, knowing they have families to feed and house payments to make. Further more I worry about my Dad's business in general if they are down to that few of workers. My Dad is a tool and die maker, so with the auto industry hurting you can imagine how that is effecting his line of work.
      I was disappointed on Thursday. Everyone in our company got an e-mail saying that for the next 12 months we are on a pay freeze. There will be no raises. Managers will be taking a 5% pay decrease. They will not hire anyone or allow a change of positions with out approval from the company president. I was 1 month away from my 6 month raise. And I won't get a yearly raise in September either... But at least I have a job. When it comes down to it I would rather have a pay freeze than be laid off. On Friday I got a good nights sleep and it was a whole new day. My boss called me into his office and told me in 2 weeks our company is going to stop doing Sat truck deliverys to cut down on costs... Having said that he asked if I would be interested in driving one of the company vans to the Cedar Rapids and Quad Cities area on Sat mornings with deliveries. Of course I jumped at the idea!! So while I may not be getting a raise for a year, this would open the door to a handful of overtime hours for me each week. Sometimes you just gotta have a little faith that God will provide and take care of you, things will work out.
     I did my taxes yesterday and was over joyed to discover I am getting $1,600 back!! I am finally debt free so I will be putting that money into a high interest savings account and continue hoarding money away until I feel secure enough in my job to move out of Grandma's. It's a good feeling to have a cushion though.
     I'm finding myself changing a lot of habits as I'm tighting up my money. Little things like I'm trying to use up what I already have before I buy new. Everything from groceries to cosmetic products. It surprises me what a big difference it makes. I know when my Grandparents went through the great depression it gave them hoarding habits, but this tough economy is doing the oppisit on me. It is making me simply want to clean and get rid of so much crap. Just purge it all. I just want to simplify things and less clutter and clothes, etc. The less I have the less I really want.
      In the midst of that I'm learning other little life lessons. I had a wool sweater with white and navy blue strips that I bought when I was 17. It was one of my favorites! It was a $100 sweater that I got on sale for $20. But because it was a $100 sweater I was always too afraid to wear it, and never wore it very often. I pulled it out this winter only to discover that it had suddenly became out of style. The white stripes on it were now yellowed. I gave my beloved sweater to Goodwill. That was 8 years that I could have REALLY been enjoying that sweater. Instead I wore it a handful of times, and it went to waste. I learned if you have something, enjoy it now. Life is too short, and nothing will last forever anyway.
     I was in the gas station and I saw this Tweeker. She was buying 2 packs of cigarettes, and she was paying with a ziplock baggie full of coins, for a measly seven dollars! It was quite a scene to take in. I wasn't sure if I should be amused or feel sorry for the whacked out lady. Now, I'm not the coldest beer in the fridge, and I really enjoy an occasional smoke, but I can't ever imagine being rock bottom enough to pay for a pack with a baggie of coins, and if I was that hard up, I think that would be a strong sign that maybe I should stop?...

     Aside from the subject of money, which my week seemed to revolve around, it was a long week. I was just really tired all week.
      Friday night Kelsey and I went to the Brad Paisley concert in Moline. It was Brad Paisley, Darrius Rucker (Former lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish) and Dierks Bentely.
    Darrius Rucker started and I love his song Don't think I don't think about it. He came across as a very sincere person with a great sense of humor. He talked about his wife and stuff like that. Aww. He sang 'Let her Cry' and nobody expected that. It was the best version I have ever heard, I could feel the emotion in the song. And then he even busted out some Hank Williams Jr, 'Family Tradition'. That was fun! I'm ready to go buy his CD and fully support the guy in his work.
       Dierks Bentley was next. He has had a lot of hit songs over the past few years, except I only like a few of them, 'Settle for a slowdown' and his new one, 'feel that fire' Dierks was really hyper! He spent the whole concert bouncing on one leg from one end of the stage to another. I was impressed! I would of had to be like, "Excuse me for a moment, Fat kid needs a chair." Dierks Bentley is really good looking too. As my Great Grandma used to say, "He could eat crackers in my bed, anytime." But he wasn't my favorite.
       And Brad's was the best!! He did a lot of creative extra stuff that made it really fun. My A.D.D. gets the best of me and I have trouble just staring at someone singing the whole time, so he had all this crazy background stuff. In his song, 'I'm gonna miss her' he made it like you were in a boat fishing with the depth finder. He did a lot of talking to the audience and I really liked that. He kept teasing the audience and making you think the concert was over and I'm thinking "Man, he didn't do this song or that song... etc" But in the end I was happy because he did all my favorite songs by him. "Letter to me" he did like you were looking at an old home video from high school pep rallys and such. He did one song like you were playing guitar hero. 'When I get where I'm going' gave me goosebumps. He showed all these pictures of significant people who have passed away before us. He did 'Whiskey Lullaby' 'Online' 'Alcohol' 'Mud on the Tires' and so many more!
     It was a really good time!!
     I got together with Jen one night this week at her house. We ate supper and chatted. It was good to hang out. Yesterday we got together again and we went to this art gallery in Marion. They have 'Open studio' Saturdays. You choose a piece of art work, decorate it and the price isn't bad at all. We had a blast! I found a martini shaped board for the wall. I covered it with black plaster and put a bunch of 3D things on it, a poker chip, dice, hearts, buttons and sparkly things, cherries on top and some feathers coming out. It looks really cool. I also took a wood plate and painted it with a heart, (it almost matches my tattoo) and Jen decorated a frame and a moon plaque for her babies nursery. They were really cute. It was the perfect girls day.
     I have decided Tom is like a drug in my life. We have talked a little but not much. I'm fighting every temptation not to call him up and be like 'Hey lets get together.' I know if I do that, then I will end up with him for another 8 months, simply going no where and wasting my life and time. But it's killing me in the mean time. Tom is a drug in my life because I'm addicted and going through some serious withdraws. I know he is bad for me, but I can't stay away. Ugh!! Tall Boy come rescue me!! I'm seriously frusterated. 

    Well, that about wraps it up for now... To summarize my week, I'm aching for green. Green grass and green dollar bills. All things green, it makes the world go round...

     Well, I'm all wound up. I just got back from my business trip with work to Des Moines, a little bit ago. I had a BLAST! I'm seriously convinced I have the greatest job ever.
     The purpose of the trip was to work a food show that my company puts on. The food show gives our vendors the chance to promote their products, and our customers the chance to catch a few sales. It's a win win situation. The customers save money, the sales increase for our company and that further supports the vendors. Such a simple yet brilliant marketing technique.
     I left with a car full of coworkers early yesterday morning and we headed there. I was paid for the car ride. We got there and sat through a long 4 hour meeting that was really boring, and not very much of it even applied to me, but I still got paid for that as well. After the meeting we walked around for 2 hours eating samples, and were paid for our whole time of sample eating as well. I was amazed. They had samples of every sort of food imaginable. I was stuffed off of samples!! I discovered an amazing way to make tomato soup... Simply mix marinara sauce and heavy whipping cream. I'm not much of a cook so I was excited about that easy recipe I learned. After eating to our hearts contents, we got checked into our hotel rooms (company paid of course) and then we met back up and went to Bennigan's. I did not feel remotely hungry, but I knew the drinking would be heavy that night and I should get food in my stomach so I got a salad, and we all had a few drinks there. I was expecting to pay my own bill, but no, everything there was also paid for on the company credit card.
      At 6:30 the company cocktail party kicked off in the hotel. They had some blues/jazz band playing in the background and a completely open bar and countless kegs with unlimited quanitys of whatever kind of alcohol you could desire. Through out the course of the night I had a handful of Tequila Sunrises and I lost count of the beers. I was drunk, and it felt great and I blended right into the company crowd. The alcohol proved to be an excellent ice breaker, as I'm very shy around people I don't know, so after several drinks I was able to walk up to people and introduce myself. I loved mingling and meeting everyone, and that was the whole point of the cocktail party. There are so many people I talk to on the phone on a daily basis, and now I have a face to go with the names. It was a great feeling when people told me, "Oh yeah, I've talked with you on the phone before. You are doing a great job!" I met one of our sales reps from the St Louis area and was shooting the breeze with him. Turns out he graduated from the same high school I did, in 1996. Such a small town so far away. That was really cool to have that connection! He called me a baby when I told him I graduated in '02. And he had a ring on his finger. Bummer. Just my luck. I wouldn't want to go back to Missouri anyway.
      Last night was a very short night and we were all up and at 'em this morning and ready for a day of work. The few minutes I was awake in my hotel room I was excited to enjoy cable, something I don't have at home. Today the food show was open to the general public. My job was to be in the clothing merchandise booth and sell clothes all day with a coworker. It was gravy! We did not even have to exchange money, take checks, or credit cards. We simply wrote down the account they were with, the merchandise they took and they will be billed later. Of course all day today everyone walked around grazing as well. The day went by fast. Basically the only time I put in not paid for on the trip was the cocktail party and sleeping. I had so much fun. I can't believe I cried when I took this job in September. Everyone always jokes around about wanting a job where they get paid to test food, well I did this weekend, and my drinking habit was supported and encouraged. How cool is that!
     Back into the office tomorrow. Focus, focus. I'm tired and I need to unpack before I go to sleep tonight. Catch you all later this week!

     This past week felt like another long week. I feel blah. I feel deflated and flat. I have set a goal for myself to try and stay awake until 9 pm each night... So far I have failed miserably. Sleep and work. Nothing else to do. I can't wait for the days to get longer and I can at least take walks after work and such. Monday night I played dress up and took pictures of myself out of boredom. I was still asleep around 8:00 ish. Tuesday night I took a bubble bath, but it was still before 8 when I went to sleep. Wed night I had a yearly doc appointment after work, and it was still as early as 8 when I went to sleep. Thursday was my Friday night, I did laundry and STILL went to bed at 8.
      Yesterday was a good day. I had the day off work since I worked on Sunday. I woke up early and picked Angie up to take her to the airport. First we ate breakfast at Perkins, then the airport. Angie was flying to Georgia to meet Donnie for the 1st time. Donnie is her boyfriend who has been serving in Iraq that she has been talking to endlessly since Aug. They met online. It was a HUGE exciting moment. She was so nervous I had to do a lot of talking and encouraging. We both had each other laughing. I almost cried hugging her good bye I am so excited for her. She will be home Monday night. I have gotten texts from her, and she called me already this morning and things are going VERY well for her! Yay!! She says he's a keeper!! Woohoo!!
      I got a bunch of errands taken care of, and cleaning done yesterday morning.  I set up a dentist appointment for Feb. I was so frustrated because I called my rheumatologist to set an appointment up for March. I should have had my yearly appointment with that RA doc in September, but I put it off until my insurance will cover the preexisting condition of my lupus and arthritis, which isn't until March. So they told me they can't fit me in until June!! What's so bad about that is that I am out of my medication. My medication is what keeps my lupus in remission and from flaring up. They won't renew it until I have my yearly check up. As it is when I lost my job in July, I cut my dosage of meds in half that way my 3 month supply would last for 6, but I am out now and that is another 6 months I have to go with out my medication!?? Maybe I'll be fine. I haven't had a flare up since I was 20. The last time I went to my RA doc my insurance from Wal-Mart was so crappy they only paid like $90 and I owed over $700 for lab work!! That was Sep '07. What if that happens to me again?? Maybe I should forget the doc completely and just go when I get sick?? It's going to cost me $700 for them to tell me I'm still in remission, duh, I know that, it's my body, or $700 plus dollars for them to say, yeah your lupus flared up, maybe I should wait till I need the doc?? I just don't want to become as sick as I was when I was 16 and 17 ever again. Idk. It's a vicious circle. Doctors are just another politician... *sigh*
      The rest of my day yesterday was awesome! I met up with Jodi and we ate lunch at Vito's, I haven't hung out with her for awhile so that was good.
     After lunch the sun was shinning and had me inspired to soak it in as best as I could. I drove to the outlet mall in Williamsburg. I haven't been there before (Well my Mom took me there once in the 8th grade.) and I had a BLAST exploring!! I found two new tops, one was a $50 top on sale for $7. But the best find of all... I decided right now I needed a Coach in my life to help cheer me out of my slump... A COACH purse that is!! I have been wanting one for a super long time. I have even had my eye on the ones with the purple trim and the tan cloth with the COACH logo through it. I bought one!! It is a new one out of their spring line. It was originally a $280 purse, I got it on sale for $120!! I was soooo excited! I couldn't pass that up! Even if I would have bought an imposter it would have cost me around $50. Why not pay a little more for the real thing. The best feeling was, I finally have my credit cards paid off and instead of getting out my credit card, I was able to pay for it right then and there with my debit! yay!! The reality is that was my money I had for groceries, so for the next few weeks I will be living off cans of soup and green beans that I have hoarded away. This investment is worth the sacrifice. No more cheap ass Wal-mart purses for me, this Bitch has class!!
       I got home last night and all I really wanted was a bubble bath and beer. I'm out of beer and I spent my beer money on my new purse as well so I came up with a half bottle of root beer schnapps in the back of the fridge. I had a bubble bath and drank shots of the root beer schnapps until the bottle was gone and I was comfortably drunk. I got a good nights sleep.
     So what is the cost of happiness?? Yesterday happiness was mine for the low low price of $120, a car ride in the sunshine, lunch with my favorite aunt, a bubble bath, half a bottle of root beer schnabbs and clean sheets on my bed.
     I don't know what I will do with myself today? 7:30 and I'm already bored. I need to brew some coffee, before I have withdrawals. Probley watch Sat morning cartoons with Grandma. Jane and the Dragon is our favorite. lol. I need to pack for my business trip to Des Moines. I leave tomorrow morning, and I'm so excited! I also need to repaint my nails that way they aren't all skanky and chipped for my business trip. That's all I can think of.

*kiss kiss* catch ya all (My whole 2 readers) later.

My Playing dress up selfers, lol...

My New purse... It even has a serial Number!!

      I made it. I did not think I would or could, but I made it through the long COLD and dark days of last week. Never in my life do I remember feeling that cold, physically and it would not go away. I STILL feel cold all day today. Last week felt like a VERY long week. Temps will be back to normal this week in the 20's or so. That brings me hope.
    My weekend went by too fast, but it was good and provided some much needed pick me up to help pull me out of this winter slump. Friday night I went over to Jeremy and Joni's and hung out with them for a few hours. Just drinking beers and shooting the breeze. Yesterday morning I got my hair cut and colored. That was a self esteem boost I needed. It was looking messy. I have decided to start growing my hair longer again, simply because I don't have time or money to keep getting my haircut every three weeks. I think I have ADD with my hairstyles too. I don't know what style I will grow it into, but my Aunt Jodi always has really good ideas. After my haircut yesterday I met up with Christina at Carlos. Christina and I have both been so busy we haven't hung out since her wedding in September, so it was great to catch up.
      Last night was my company work party. That was really exciting. It was at a hotel in a conference room and it was packed. They had an open bar and everything was free. However, company policy says you have to get a hotel room if you are going to drink at the party, you pay $30 for the room, and they pay the rest. I had noone to bring as a guest, I had to work today, and there was no point in renting out a hotel room for myself, so I had to stay sober, and that sucked! I sipped on Diet RC's the whole night, and I REALLY wanted some Captian Morgan mixed in. The dinner was really great. They had salad, pasta salad, veggies, cubed potatoes, lasagna, beef steak, and a really good chicken. Our company is the foodservice provider for the hotel that cooked for us, so it only made sense.
      Only 2 other people from my customer service department, and my boss showed up at the party so I felt really shy and awkward. There are so many people that work there I don't know since I just started in September. It would have helped a lot if I at least had a date with me. I can't handle this whole single thing, really I can't. I saw a lot of people from other departments I know distantly, but I'm not real comfortable around. Irene is in trouble when I see her at work tomorrow! She left me alone at a table of warehouse guys and there was no escape!! The warehouse guys have gotten to know me since I have worked will call, and the attention they give me is unwanted. They are creepy weird guys that really need to grow up and they are always hitting on me. One of the warehouse guys wife was there and I really hit it off with her, so then I just ignored the guys.
     The night only continued to get better. The whole room of 200 plus adults was completely SHITFACED by the time the president of the company got up to do his hour long speech about the company last year, and the direction of the company this year, plus awards for different things. Everyone was so drunk noone was even listening to the president of our company, and it sounded like we were at a high school pep rally with all the shouting. The warehouse guys were the worst. Hands down. I was embarrassed that my boss would wonder why I was sitting at a table with them. I'll have to clearly explain and blame it on Irene tomorrow, lol. If I could of just had a few drinks myself, I wouldn't of cared so much. The best part of the night though was they did 3 grand prize drawings. They had all of their employees names in a jar, and you had to be present to win. They did a drawing for a cruise to the Caribbean, a cruise to Alaska, and $1,000. No I didn't win. But next year I will.... Next year I will also bring a significant other and get completely hammered. lol.
       This morning I made an effort to get myself out of bed and look my best for church. Tall Boy wasn't there, but I was still really glad I went. I ended up randomly chatting with the pastor's wife Sandy for about 10 minutes. She seemed really nice. A very good and likeable person. At one point Crystal snuck up behind me, wrapped her arms around my neck and started making kissy sounds. I screamed and then started laughing when I realized it was her. I'm making friends there and I never even realized it. That's a great feeling! In Feb I think I am going to find some sort of Bible Study group or something to get involved with there. Something that will prevent me from going to bed at 7:30 pm, at least one night a week. lol.
      I had to leave right away after church to make it to work on time. I was riding the line, but I made it. Work was slow today and that made for a long day, but it is great to know I have one day of my week over and done with already. I'm enjoying unwinding tonight. Next weekend I get to go on a business trip with my job to Des Moines and help work a food show. I am so excited!

     There was a final thing that was brought to closure this week... Tom. I was on my lunch break one day last week and Tom randomly called me after me hearing nothing from him for over two weeks. I was agitated and told him I was upset, that he can't just not talk to me like that. He told me he had been going through all this stuff with his ex and did not want to drag me into it. I told him he could have been in a ditch for all I knew, and he told me he wished he would have been. I ended the conversation. The day after that he kept sending random text messages and I was still cold towards him. My favorite was when he complained about how cold he was and he has noone to snuggle with and keep him warm...He should have thought of that before it was 30 below zero! Not my problem, or my duty. Finally on a civil level I told him I can't depend on him and that is why I was hurt. He told me he will always be my friend, and even if we aren't intimate he will still be my friend. He invited me over to his place for spaghetti for dinner one night, so I accepted as a friend. I had a good time laughing and talking with him, but I still felt betrayed and hurt, and was trying to figure out the answer.
      By yesterday it was clear to me, I had to be direct with him. I'm so good at being direct on this Xanga, but not when it comes to people I care about and if I'm worried about hurting there feelings. I finally spelled it out for him and told him I care about him, and he will always be my friend, but I can't pick up where we left off only to have him disappear for two weeks, that as much as I wanted to be us, we could never be what we were again. I'm not sure he got it at first.
     At 3 am last night, it must have sunk in to him. He called me up and woke me out of a dead sleep. He said, "I finally get it, this is a trust issue." Yes. We must have talked for two hours. And although we did not like the reality, we were both on the same page. I was trying to think of ways to tell him he could not have a relationship with me until he let go of all the bitterness and issues with his ex. But really that was the same thing he was trying to tell me. He told me he made the decision not to speak with me during the past two weeks when she was putting him through the ringer, because he thought it was in my best interest, but he apologized because he realized he had not left that decision up to me if I choose to get involved with the issues or not. We concluded that after 2 and a half years of him being broken up with her, and her still doing all she could to make his life hell, this was far from over, and until it ends, him and I can never be, if we try to, it will simply destroy us, and we both know it... And until Tom and I end, I can never really move on with my life. This time Tom was the one crying. He told me so many wonderful things about how he feels about me and when he is with me, and I know he meant them. I told him I'm not angry at him at all. I told him he can call me ANYTIME. And I promised my friendship to him, always and forever, no matter what. The ironic thing about love, is sometimes you have to let it go, in order to save it. And so the chapters of Tom and I are finished, for the final time. It seems our relationship became a casualty of circumstance. It's funny to think that all Tom and I ever were in the first place was a one night stand. Two random strangers who met on the dance floor of a club... and we lasted for 8 months. Better luck next time??
       It was the strangest thing but I felt really peaceful after Tom and I officially said it's done. I feel sad because I really did, and do, love Tom and I know it will never be. I feel peaceful because my life can move on now. I prayed for Tom that he would feel peace too, among other things. I changed my facebook status from "It's Complicated" to "Single" this morning, and that was a surprisingly good feeling. Now is my true test and challenge. To remain friends with Tom, but still be able to stand up for myself and keep it on a simple friendship level. Already '09 is pointing in every direction, that this is the year for me to stand up for myself. I'm not good at that. I think the reality is just like I told Tom though, I can't pick up where we left off, it will never be the same. And as much as I can't stand being alone, and as depressed as I feel about it, I have to believe enough that there is someone out there that I won't just settle. That may sound easy for you, but it's not for me. I would rather be unhappy and in a relationship than alone. I have to remind myself, that's not the way it meant to be.
    And that my friends foreshadows the forecast of my near future as best as I can determine. Wish me luck.

     OMG!! The actual tempeture right now is -24 below zero!! I just glanced at the kcrg website and the winchill temp is -51!!! That's right, let me spell it out, negative fifty one degrees!! I'm glad I filled my car with gas last night. WOW. They lied it was only supposed to get as cold as  -19. Bummer, bummer, bummer and more bummer. We got almost 7 inches of snow yesterday, on top of the 5 from Monday, on top of the 7 from Sat. I'm one winter day away from going postal!! This is always a hard time of year for me. And I REALLY hate driving in the stuff!! Last year was the 4th snowiest Iowa winter on record, but this year we have gotten more snow this winter than we had at this point last year. That what the news said. It makes me worry about another bad flood... The thought of that happening here again makes me sick to my stomach. I guess the most and the best anyone can do is just keep doing the most and the best that you can ever single day. Sooner or later spring will come... Or maybe I will just have to join the Happy Cows in California! haha. All I have been doing lately is sleeping. Can you balme me? I'm almost to my weekend though and that makes me VERY happy!

      I'm happy. I did more than just catch a glimpse of Tall Boy this morning at church, I actually interacted with him! Yay, for progress!!
      Ok, so we were sort of forced into it. I was sitting in the very back row, and he came in and sat directly ahead of me. Early on in the worship service the pastor said to look at someone near by you and wish them a happy new year. Noone was near myself or Tall Boy, (darn, the luck!) so we had to look at each other and say, "Happy New Year." (That's more than I got out of Tom, haha!!) a little bit later the pastor said to look at the same person you wished a happy new year to and tell them "The Lord has great plans for you in 2009!" So Tall Boy and I both said that to each other at the same time and gave a nervous laugh. Through out the sermon I noticed he kept sneaking glances my way. I also noticed he was wearing cowboy boots, and I was wearing purple boots, and with my jeans pulled down over them, they looked like purple cowboy boots! I'm trying to tell myself that Tall Boy noticed that fact too. It's a sign! I was also secretly admiring that the heels on my boots probley made me 6'1 (I am 5'11 with no shoes) and Tall Boy was still significantly taller than me! My Dad is 6'5, so guessing off that I'm guessing Tall Boy is somewhere around 6'7??
     So the best part was at the very end of the sermon, the pastor said to introduce yourself to the person you said Happy New Year too. I shook Tall Boy's hand and told him 'Hi. I'm Kristen' he told me his name is Jody. Which I already knew, because I'm a stalker like that. I acted surprised to learn his name, maybe someday when we are like 50 I can tell him that I stalked him before we met, and his code name was Tall Boy. I suppose now that I have officially met him, I will have to stop referring to him as 'Tall Boy' and start calling him Jody. THEN the pastor said to hold hands or look the person in the eye that you said happy new year to, and pray for them blessings in 2009. That was very awkward! We both gave a nervous laugh and were like, "yeah, eye contact is good enough." Tall Boy, opps, I mean Jody prayed for me, and then I prayed for him. I haven't prayed out loud for someone in close to 3 years, and I'm sure it showed what a heathen I am as I struggled and stumbled to utter a few half way intelligent words. (I think I failed.) The eye contact was a little too intense, I had to keep looking away and I'm sure I was blushing. At least Tall Boy --- Jody seemed to be as nervous and shy as I was. If I was the only nervous and shy one then I would have appeared socially retarded. So maybe there is still hope. Having seen how shy Jody is, I am also SUPER glad that he was not there last week when Angie was already to proceed with her plan of action.
     I have to work next Sunday. And starting in Feb I have to work 2 Sundays a month. But at least I have a ray of hope now. And never before have I felt so motivated to get involved with church and start getting my life in shape. Wish me luck!!

      So in the midst of the stagnant heart of winter time, I have found yet another mission for myself to keep me going and motivated. I call it, my 'Rich Bitch Fund'... aka: my savings. That's right, I no longer have a savings account, I have a rich bitch fund account. It seems in dealing with letting go of another relationship, I am left feeling empty, and bored, most of all I have had way too much time on my hands to dwell. In this time of dwelling and contemplating I can't help but conclude what I know to be true in my life based upon my experiences. The only thing I seem to have any control over in my life is my finances. If I can't have a man in my life, I might as well become a rich bitch when I grow up, and having whatever I want will make up for not having the one thing I really want. And so I begin my rich bitch fund, reserving as much money aside as I possibly can for moving out, if I buy or rent, I've yet to decide?? With the occasion of moving out, I reserve money from the fund to buy myself a brand new bed, a brand new couch (Why did I save that futon in storage again??) and a 52' flat screen TV that I will hang on my wall.... That's just to get me started. I will also designate money from the fund for travel... oh, my favorite!!! (I could REALLY use a vacation about now!) I asked my Mom if she thought I was being irrational, and she said she was proud of me and since I am living with Grandma and it's far from easy, I might as well make the most of my situation and set the goals like that for myself. My Mom is the greatest!! On the other hand, at this rate I may never move out of Grandma's! lol. It never hurts to dream, right??
      In the meantime I am a Humble Pawn making my way through each day in the game of life. The past week hasn't been much to brag about. If it weren't for my job, my life would truly and deeply suck. My job keeps me busy and on my toes. I keep learning so many new things, and it amazes me how quickly my 8 hour days turn into much longer days. The overtime excites me, and once I get home I really have nothing to do anyway. I'm bored with my movie collection, I'm bored with my computer, and I'm trying not to go out much in an effort to save more money, so it seems all I do is sleep. Once upon a time my bedtime was 11 pm, and I would spring out of bed at 5:30 am. 11 turned into 10, and quickly into 9:30, creeping it's way down into the 8 o clock hour, but now I have hit rock bottom and caught myself going to bed at 7:30 pm on several different occasions, simply because my life sucks and there is nothing to do. I REALLY miss Tom. I feel empty. So I sleep through reality, at least for awhile, and my job is the only thing keeping me motivated. If I'm going to be a rich bitch then I have to excel, and I have to make that money somewhere. I trained the new lady in Will Call a few days this week, and I enjoyed doing that, and I liked working with her. Yesterday we only had 3 of us in customer service, and I was thriving on the challenge and thrill of conquering it. My boss is the absolute best. He ordered us pizza yesterday and we worked through our lunch since it was only 3 of us. Today I worked will call, and my boss came in and actually had me train him in that department. I couldn't believe he did not know it, but I was happy to see that he has a better understanding now of the will call process and can see first hand the kinks we run into, vs. the perfect world of how it should run. And all the coworkers I thought were soo snobby when I first started working there are being overly friendly to me. I guess they decided I proved myself and I'm going to stick around for awhile. I feel like I was bending over backwards to please them, and now I don't really care anymore if they give me the time of day or not. I'll just stick my nose to the grindstone and doing what I do. Kind of ironic.
      Last night I baby-sat after work for my brothers friends little boys again. I always enjoy babysitting for them because they pay me $40 dollars everytime I do. Last night though, I really just had a good time. I joke around that I babysit so I can remind myself why I don't have kids, but these little boys are growing on me. They are really well behaved, and I'm convinced it's because they have such good parents. Wes is 3 and he was cracking me up. We were playing hide and seek and he kept hiding in the same spot, and I had to act really surprised, and then when I was pretending to look for him he would tell me where he was hiding. At one point Wes had been in the bathroom for a few minutes too many so I went to check on him and he had gotten into the medicine cabinet and he was brushing his teeth, and in his other hand he had a sucker he had snuck and was eating. So he was rotating between eating the sucker and brushing his teeth. I thought it was hilarious, and at least the kid was brushing his teeth, I couldn't be too hard on him. Brodie his little brother is about a year and a half and he is really cute too. For being a year and a half he was saying some cute and funny things, and it was really funny watching him play with Wes. They are both sweet little boys.
       Today I decided it's no fun being a rich bitch if you can't share the joy. So after work I shoveled our beautiful 7 inches of freshly fallen snow, (No sarcasim there, haha!) and I surprised my Grandma, I dipped into my rich bitch fund and I took her to the movie Marley and Me. We both loved it! It made me happy to do something nice and to spend some time with Grandma. (Even though I live with her I don't always spend time with her.) It was some much needed pick me up. I was going to meet up with Angela tonight and play Bingo at some hall somewhere, just for kicks, but my car locks are frozen shut. I am so disappointed and frustrated. Because of that I am stuck at home. Because of that I will probley go to sleep soon.
      I hope to go to church in the morning and catch a glimpse of Tall Boy, but I don't know if my car will unlock?? So in the meantime, I'm just doing the best a girl can...

So Tall Boy wasn't at church today. I guess that means I will have to go back next week...

Why is it I have no problem meeting guys I don't know in bars when I am drunk, and give no thought to doing whatever with them, but to speak to a guy I am interested in when I am sober, terrifies me?? If I could just have a few beers before church I could talk to Tall Boy no problem. *Sigh*

I have made another New Year's resolution for '09. I'm going to read through the whole Bible this year. Sad to say it has been nearly 3 years since I have really sat down to read my Bible, other than a verse or chapter here or there. Wish me luck, I don't want it to feel like homework.

Today is a new day and a new week, of a new month of a new year... Of this much I'm sure.

   So, Happy New Year and all that Happy Stuff.

    The past week is going fast. New Years Eve I was really busy getting the food ready for Byron's party. Jeremy and Joni did a lot of work too, they got all the alcohol and decorations. And Byron did, nothing... I was a little bit mad at Byron. He's such a jerk. I got there extra early to start getting food ready, and the whole time he was telling me what a crappy cook I am and that I really should have let Joni cook because she likes too. (I'm sorry I was trying to help out!) He's such an asshole!!! Finally I yelled at Byron told him to go in the corner drink his beer and leave me the F--- alone and next year I won't do ANYTHING to help. What a butthead, seriously.  Once his party got going it was a lot of fun! It was in his garage which is huge and he has a wood burner heater so it was nice and warm. I had no idea my brothers had so many friends I'm guessing between 50 - 60 people were in and out through out the course of the night. People complimented my food, so I was happy. I was drunk by 8 pm, and it felt great. It's been too long since I've just drank with out a care in the world. I love peppermint schnapps, but Joni introduced me to mixing it in hot chocolate! Wow!! I drank a half bottle of peppermint schnapps with a splash of hot chocolate before the night was over, and I lost count of the beers I drank. Other than that I stayed away from the hard liquors. I wanted to have fun but not get sick, I did well. I spent most of the evening chatting with Joni, and some of the other girlfriends of my brothers friends. My Grandma showed up and hung out the whole night just for something to do. Grandma doesn't drink, but she likes being around drunk people because she thinks we are funny and we talk more. At midnight we all passed around a bottle of champaign until it was gone. By 1 am everyone was leaving and Byron was passed out. It took 4 of us to carry him to the couch and the rest of us left. I was able to get a ride home with grandma so that worked out quite well.
      Thursday I was so exhausted all day!! I spent half my day cleaning crock pots out from the night before. What a mess!! I visited my Grandpa and Grandma for a little bit, as they left on Friday to go to Florida for 3 months and escape the winter as they do every year. They might as well just move down there.
      Yesterday I worked. If felt like a Monday since I had just had two days off, and now I have a weekend again, so that is super cool! I'm not sure what to do with myself?? Last night I went with Jen to a party that her friends were having. The party was in the middle of tin-buck-two so we got really lost, and that was an adventure. When we first got there I felt a little uncomfortable not knowing anyone, but I warmed up, rolled back a few beers, and found myself chatting away with people. They were all really good people, just not the same type of crowd I hang out with. A bunch of little kids were there and everyone was married with kids. A handful of them were also pregnant (Including Jen) so they were all talking about their pregnancies. To top it all, the party was over at 9 pm because everyone had all these kids running around and they were acting like it was so late. Wow! Culture shock for me! I was glad to get out of the house though and had a fun time over all.
      Tom is in the doghouse with me. That's right, I am pissed off!! I haven't seen him in person since the Sunday before Christmas. I haven't talked to him since the day before New Years Eve. (Tuesday) I tried calling a few times and texting on New Years Eve, and when I heard nothing back, I finally snapped in my mind. Tom hasn't been there for me for the most important days of the year! He missed Halloween and never got to see me in my naughty maid costume because he was in jail. He went through his breaking up with me routine 2 days before my birthday and he missed my birthday. He missed Christmas with me because he was depressed, and now he's not even there to tell me happy new year!!?? I haven't sent him any text or even tried calling him, and he hasn't either, which proves to me that he really doesn't care. He could be in ditch and I would never know. It's like he only wants me around when it's convenient for him. I wish he would call so I could chew his ass, but until then, I'm not even going to give him the satisfaction of calling him and playing into his pity party of whatever the drama is in his life. I don't feel like I'm controlling him, if he thinks that?? I don't care if he went out with his guy buddies on New Year's Eve, I really don't. All I ask is that he tells me what he's doing, and to have a happy new year and promise to talk to me soon. That's not asking too much, and I can't even get that kind of commitment out of him.
       I haven't even seen him to give him his Christmas presents, and so this morning I returned his gifts. all $55 worth. That money will pay off my ticket for the Brad Paisley concert I am going to see Jan. 30th! It makes me both proud and sad to do that. One of my goals for '09 is to get better at standing up for myself, and I think this is a huge step. I've tried and tried with Tom. I've given him countless chances and he keeps proving to me time and time again, that it just won't work. So onward I will go with no looking back. I don't need that, and he doesn't deserve me or what I have to offer.
     This weekend is dull. I'm just around the house today, it is supposed to snow and get nasty out. Probley be around the house all day again tomorrow. I am hoping to go to church in the morning. Angie is going to go with me and I am going to go into the restroom, and Angie is going to approach Tall Boy, put a word in for me and give him my number. Why not?? I have absolutely nothing left to lose anymore. And well I'm in my slump here, I think I'm going to go polish down some left over frito dip, it does such wonders for my figure and all.

I got my new camera and I forgot to take pictures on Christmas. I was so drunk on New Year's Eve I only took a few pictures when we were passing the champaign around at midnight. But oh well, Have a look.

Grandma Taking a swig... She said the 2nd swig got her! lol.

Joni is my hero!

Byron likes to chug. Chug Byron, Chug!! (Someone made him a sign that says that and it has a picture from an old Dick and Jane book where they are at a little kids party! lol!)